Letters to the Editor

Dear Sleep Deprivation,

The mixture of cold sweats, dry eyes and general malaise over my mind are just some of the many symptoms that you affect me with.   How lovely to see you again! Or is it dreadful? I can’t really tell at the moment since I’m feeling a bit downtrodden from your visit. What was the initiation of our meeting tonight? I can’t decide if I was truly that bored that I couldn’t sleep, or if I really am in the midst of the nervous breakdown I always knew was comin’ down the pipeline. I can’t say our time together has been all bad! The birds were chirping a joyful tune outside the window that I would have missed without Sleep Deprivation. I had coffee for the first time in months! Well, if you can call half a cup of milk, 1/4 cup sugar and the rest coffee (for color) coffee… And I was even creative enough to write a tumblr post! I did have high hopes for this day that mainly involved cleaning but I think, with Your help, I will forget about them and relax!

Hopefully not behind the wheel of a motor vehicle.

P.S. I used malaise, dreadful and downtrodden all in one post. Neat! 

Dear Two People,
 It has been quite a long time since I’ve updated my tumblr. You could say I’ve been too busy living an exciting life to run a silly blog, but don’t say that because it isn’t true. It is just too easy to scroll my dashboard looking at other peoples creativity. However, on this warm summer night I am feeling adventurous (bored) and creative (really bored) so I will update! ….with a questionnaire.

P.S. I haven’t decided if I will answer these truthfully or try and be humorous. Probably a mixture of both. Maybe my truth is what is funny? DEEP THOUGHTS

• 1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? Do I answer these questions all at once or once a day?
  
  
• 2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? I used to
  
  
• 3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? If they shared, yes. Because I hate that shit.
  
  
• 4: Do you find it easy to trust others? I don’t trust the others, it is a sub par Nicole Kidman film
  
  
• 5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? Not NOT watching Horton Hears A Who!
  
  
• 6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? Jesus
  
  
• 7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? Have a snack
  
  
• 8: Are you close with your dad? If only I knew where he was… He may be upstairs or on the couch
  
  
• 9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? Who doesn’t kiss during Horton Hears A Who!
  
  
• 10: What are you listening to? Pretentious Hipster Bullshit (if that isn’t a band, I give up all hope for humanity)
  
  
• 11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? Water
  
  
• 12. Do you like hickeys? No
  
  
• 13: What time do you go to bed? When I’m tired. ROCK AND ROLL
  
  
• 14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? Do I count as someone?
  
  
• 15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? Yes
  
  
• 16: Do you always answer your texts? I even answer other peoples texts!
  
  
• 17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? I’d say so, the guy who pushed me off the cliff was a real prick
  
  
• 18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? Tonight
  
  
• 19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? If by “someone” you mean “a mirror” and by “them” you mean “whats reflected” then i dont understand the question anymore
  
  
• 20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? “WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY NICKELS”
  
  
• 21: Is anyone else in the room with you? God I hope not
  
  
• 22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?  I am a believer in boomerangs
  
  
• 23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? No
  
  
• 24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? I like my mechanic but sometimes I feel like I get in the way…
  
  
• 25: In the past week, have you cried? Define “week” and I’ll define “yes”
  
  
• 26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? In respect to nudists and their beliefs, I refuse to answer this question
  
  
• 27: Do people ever call you by your last name? Teachers tend to
  
  
• 28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? People I haven’t met
  
  
• 29: Do you have a best friend? Some
  
  
• 30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? Well she isn’t in this room so yes
  
  
• 31: Who was your last call from? One of these best friends you keep asking about
  
  
• 32: Are you mad at anyone? THE FATCATS IN WASHINGTON
  
  
• 33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes
  
  
• 34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? Probably a year older…isn’t that how birthdays work?
  
  
• 35: How many more days until your birthday? Several
  
  
• 36: Do you have any summer plans yet? SURVIVE
  
  
• 37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? Yes
  
  
• 38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? Hugs?
  
  
• 39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? I still pee the bedWAIT CRAP I DIDNT READ THE QUESTION RIGHT!
  
  
• 40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Kissing that guy after the Onion Eating Contest is something I’d like to forget
  
  
• 41: Do you think age matters in relationships? No
  
  
• 42: Are you available? My phones about to die…
  
  
• 43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? I don’t like to discuss my psychic abilities…
  
  
• 44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? So I can’t get a piercing shaped like an ear…Can I come back to this one?
  
  
• 45: Do you believe exes can be friends? Yes
  
  
• 46: Do you regret anything? I already told you about the onion guy…
  
  
• 47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? Hair
  
  
• 48: Did you ever lose a best friend? I lost my mom in the grocery store one time, and we were pretty close…
  
  
• 49: Was your last kiss a mistake? No
  
  
• 50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? Because she runs faster than me
  
  
• 51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? No
  
  
• 52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? I don’t NOT talk to her
  
  
• 53: What was the last thing you ate? Food
  
  
• 54: Did you get any compliments today? That’s what I forgot to get at the Self Esteem Depot!
  
  
• 55: Where are you going on your next vacation? Somewhere that isn’t my house
  
  
• 56: Do you own anything from other countries? I bought a chicken for some third world kids through a charity, but it’s been so long I assume they have ownership.
  
  
• 57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? Both. Were an interesting group
  
  
• 58: Where have you lived most of your life? Earth (Hey O!)
  
  
• 59: When was the last time you took a long drive? A week or so ago
  
  
• 60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? Yes, but no one told me it was a game for 2+ players so it got boring
  
  
• 61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? TPd? What?
  
  
• 62: Who do you text the most? Other People
  
  
• 63: What was the last movie you saw? A talkie show! Their the bees knees!
  
  
• 64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? A padlock
  
  
• 65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010? 0/No idea
  
  
• 66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? Yes
  
  
• 67: Do you curse around your parents? I keep the voo-doo secret
  
  
• 68: Are you happy with where you live? Out of respect to Nomads and their beliefs, I decline to answer this
  
  
• 69: Do you collect anything? Broken hearts! Txt it!
  
  
• 70: What’s your favourite colour? Blue
  
  
• 71: Does the last song you listened to remind you of anyone? No
  
  
• 72: Has anyone ever cheated on you? Anyone I’ve ever played checkers with
  
  
• 73: What are your plans for tomorrow? SURVIVE
  
  
• 74: Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? Yes
  
  
• 75: Does your last ex have a job? Is white slavery a defined “job?”
  
  
• 76: What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? Check the padlock again
  
  
• 77: Where is your cellphone? Wherever it wants to be. I don’t judge
  
  
• 78: What colour is your cellphone? I think its been repainted because the colour looks kind of…phony! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHA!
  
  
• 79: What did you dream of last night? INCEPTION
  
  
• 80: Are you atheist? If by “atheist” you mean “Follower of Christ”, then yes. Or wait no? Crap. I am not an atheist.
  
  
• 81: Will you change your name when you get married? Probably, I’m thinking “Portly the Ship Captain”
  
  
• 82: Are you ready for autumn weather? No..its May
  
  
• 83: Have you had any big storms recently? Thor is my neighbor…so yes.
  
  
• 84: What kind of bottoms are you wearing? Yes
  
  
  
  P.P.S. I answered all of them truthfully.

Dear Redbox,

If you want my continued business, rethink this whole “Cannot skip previews” crap. Especially when the previews I cant skip are Blue Crush 2, Bring It On: The Musical(FUCKING WHY) and 3 more Ive tried very hard to forget. I understand you need to make money, but customer service comes first.

Lil pissed,

Will

PS Bring It On: The Musical. Really? Really

 

Dear followers,

Google + is what happens when Facebook trims some fat, and by fat I mean ads, parents and horrible chat feature. With all that fat gone it leaves room for a clean, completely customizable news feed and easy access to every feature in Google’s library (like Youtube).

So who’s on it?

Anyone want an invite? Im desperate for interaction.


Shamless plug over,

Will

PS Without Jackie Chan this would never be possible.

Hey 19 Followers!

 

Its been a while since I’ve posted a new letter. Ive been keeping busy!

 

Lots of fun summer activities! Here’s me at the pool:



I’m getting plenty of rest! Its nice to wake up feeling rested.



It hasn’t been all fun and games though! I still have to pay the bills, and its nice to have such a entertaining and fulfilling job. 



It’s really great to feel so happy!



With great respect,

Will

PS I made all of these gifs because Im talented and great with computers

Dear Black Swan/My pants

You are shit-my-pants good/sorry about the shit.

Gonna go compose/clean myself,

Will

P.s. I really didn’t.

Dear The Universe,

Please don’t make really weird things happen to me. I was sitting on my couch, minding my own business (what business? Im not self employed) when I turned on the tv to watch The Daily Show. Nothing weird there, I love that show. When I watch it it seems as though I’m a young smart person (I’m not). Since I’m a young smart person (lies) I tend to multitask, so I opened up my expensive high speed laptop (not true) and went to Stumbleupon. I was excited to see what website the Stumble button (Stumbutton?) and the the website it brought was…… Thedailyshow.com. I was frozen in mortal fear. Had I ripped a whole in the space-time continuum? Was hell itself about to swallow me whole? I felt like the Double Rainbow guy, only scared. As I waited to fade from the family portrait (Back To The Future anyone?) I slowly realized that I overreacted.

Sorry,

Will

PS That was a waste of time.

Stop making me look bad. Being a close-minded bigot is the exact opposite of what being a Christian is all about. God loves every single person He created(sorry clones) unconditionally, shouldn’t we do the same? As Christians, all we want to do is be closer with God and to feel His love, yet we have the right to tell people that they can’t feel this love? This is God were talking about, the all powerful all knowing and the one who made EVERYTHING so of course we cannot know exactly what He wants. Through reading and studying the bible we can understand (to a point) what He wants for us and from us. As a Christian, whenever you are unclear about what is right or wrong the bible is the first place to turn, because it is God’s word. He literally told Matthew, Mark, Luke and John (and other uncommonly named fellows) what to write. But to quote Leviticus and say that homosexuality is a sin just to win an argument is wrong. Leviticus 18:22 says “Do not have relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable”. Anyone who has general knowledge of anatomy knows that’s impossible. Leviticus 20:13 says “‘If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads”. Also physically impossible (or at least tricky). These were written in the bible, and as I said before they are God’s own words. But Leviticus 20:9 says “‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Because they have cursed their father or mother, their blood will be on their own head.” I’ve been pretty mad at my parents, and have had an argument or two, so I suppose I’ll be put to death. Leviticus 19:19 says  “‘Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material” and my closet is all kinds of polyester and cotton, so I’m in trouble. Leviticus 19:28 says “‘Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD”. Guess my sister, my best friend and a whole lot of other people I love are worthless. Leviticus and a few other books are full of rules, written by God, that now seem hard to follow. Doesn’t mean that some rules and good and some are bad, it just means it is not in our power to pick and choose.

My Lord and Savior created the heavens and the earth, breathed life into me and everyone else around me (again, sorry clones) and I can not and will not make assumptions on His behalf.


Thank you and God bless all of you,

Will

Dear Jim Cantore,

Its funny to watch you react to “Thundersnow”.

Thanks,

Will

Dear Lite Rock,

Please go kill yourself. You are the most annoying, irritating form of music on this earth. “Lite” and “Rock” are two words that shouldn’t be used in the same sentence (much like “Hitler” and “McRib”.) I blame boring housewives and deaf people for your continued existence. Strumming a guitar about as slow as a snail works in some cases, and guys who sound like girls works sometimes but Lite Rock never gets it right. Ever.


Please stop,

Will

P.S. My taste in music is in no way perfect. Case in point: This song I like